Stifled at my job.

Stifled everywhere else.

Makes me feel like… Springing out of everything.

It’s incredibly strange.

Reading my entries from over a year ago, it seems like i was pretty consumed and torn up over some guy (whatwasithinking) and now…

I’m just crying over how little say i have in everything. I hate how work makes me feel belittled. And incredibly incapable. I hate what i’m doing - menial administrative tasks, sending out invites, printing & binding , burning cds… Writing reports, following a fixed template to a T. I mean, seriously? Is this what i signed up for?

Maybe it’s supposed to humble me. I am still incredibly green. It was a one-off, my position at my previous stint. Sometimes i wonder why i didn’t stay on. Was it the politics? Was it the need to experience more? See how really big organisations function. Yeah it was a lot of reasons.

I’ll probably adjust to this. My current workplace provides an incredible work-life balance. People are lovely. It’s just… Well, i’m way down there and i’m not sure how long it’ll take for me to learn something to add on to my skills. I used to handle campaigns and ran my own account with the partners.

So this sudden… Emptiness is incredibly painful.

I’m too fat

I can’t seem to stop eating at all, since i’m taking that looooong break from everything.

It’s quite horrible - wait, it’s beyond horrible. I’ve been trying so hard to not eat but it just makes me eat even more. And everybody knows how inconsistent i am with everything so… Meh.

Balancing acts

I’ve never met anyone i could discuss movies extensively with.

Whether it’s the song choices in Moulin Rouge or the significance of the question thrown to the audience in Life of Pi.

I never had anyone who likes the same things i like. And i’m super mainstream - so how can I not have met anyone who loves Mariah Carey as much as I do? Seriously, come on, i’m sure one of you guys must’ve cried to “Can’t Take that Away” like I did.

I’ve never dated anyone who’s at the same level as me. They’re either way above me… Or too hopeless and shallow. And I think i’m just the right amount of shallow.

I never met anyone who doesn’t have the patience to watch the sun rise and set, yet never fail to be filled with wonder when they come across beautiful pictures of the sun in action on social media. It’s breathtaking, even if you’re no real photographer. Yet, i’ve probably only seen the sun set twice, in real time - all of it.

I’ve never had a man hold me and tell me I’m beautiful, and actually mean it. So imagine my shock when someone finally did. I don’t blame them, for lying through their teeth. How beautiful can i be if they’ve already seen how I really am? I’m not nasty. But certaintly not what “beautiful” is.

I’ve never met anyone who wants the same thing that I do. Who’s willing to work. Really work, not just say they would and then forget all about it or lose track of it or got tired, took a break and never came back. I’ve also never really met anyone who doesn’t get as easily distracted as I do Sometimes we think we’re doing it for the money. But deep down, we know we can do better than that. Money’s just… The surface.

Is it strange that I like man-made stuff? Is it strange that I’d rather look at bird shaped pendants than actual birds chirping in the trees at sundown? Is it strange that i love architecture more than I love the ocean and mountains.

Is it me being unappreciative or is it just a preference? I don’t deny Allah, ever and everyday, I marvel at all the beauty He’s created.

I suppose mountains and deserts don’t intrigue me as much as what Kate Hudson was thinking about when she started filming Glee. See, I told you, I’m the right amount of shallow.

Taking a dip in the pensieve.

Don’t you wake up in the middle of the night and your head just wanders off to places that your heart seemed to have left behind?

I do. Except that when i reach there, there’s no longing, no regrets, no disdain. It’s like, taking a bus. A warm, non-airconditioned bus that’s rickety and so dirty that you probably need a tetanus shot before boarding. Yes, the journey’s uncomfortable. But when you finally reach there… It’s barren. Nothing’s left. It’s probably comparable to visiting an old kampung that used to have a paddy field and a herd of kettle but was somehow burned down to the ground (probably because of political reasons or sometimes, financial coz you just wanna claim insurance and move the fuck on) and was left on its own. Lifeless. Dead.

But the journey there? Yeah it made me a little uncomfortable because i realised… who and what i have become. Today.

A rare night i’m in bed & wide awake.

2 observations:

Firstly, i’m thankful to be gifted with the ability to sleep on command.

Secondly, when you lie in bed and your mind starts thinking, it goes to all the things that you just don’t know shit about. Like for instance, i just discovered that the Federal Reserve is not the US goverment. It’s an independent, privately owned company.

I don’t know how to explain why but this knowlege and realisation… Oh, it changes so many things.

Simplified Explanation of the World Financial Crisis

So i learnt this from a smart man who once told me this story.

Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10. The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts.

The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.’

The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!

Welcome to BANKING, where these same men are board executives running big businesses!!

Andy Rooney

Hey these were written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words.

I’ve learned…. That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I’ve learned…. That when you’re in love, it shows.

I’ve learned…. That just one person saying to me, ‘You’ve made my day!’ makes my day.

I’ve learned…. That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I’ve learned…. That being kind is more important than being right.

I’ve learned…. That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I’ve learned…. That I can always pray for someone when I don’t have the strength to help him in some other way.

I’ve learned…. That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I’ve learned…. That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I’ve learned…. That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I’ve learned…. That we should be glad God doesn’t give us everything we ask for.

I’ve learned…. That money doesn’t buy class.

I’ve learned…. That it’s those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular .

I’ve learned… That under every one’s hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I’ve learned…. That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I ‘ve learned…. That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I’ve learned…. That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I’ve learned…. That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I’ve learned…. That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I’ve learned….. That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I’ve learned… That life is tough, but I’m tougher.

I’ve learned…. That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.

I’ve learned …. That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I’ve learned….. That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I’ve learned…. That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I’ve learned…. That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you’re hooked for life.

I’ve learned… That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you’re climbing it.

I’ve learned…. That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.