birthdays always feel like the worst day of the year for me. because you try to not expect anything from anyone but you can’t help it. i hate the fuss and the unrealistic expectations that people have on their birthdays. my mom likes to say that she should be the one getting cake on my birthday because she pushed me out and that was hard work. being born is not the achievement but think about what you’ve done with your life - is it cause for celebration? haha. my mom’s feisty like that. and every year, the answer has been a resounding “NO”.
but i admit… i like birthday wishes and i especially began taking it very seriously about 3 years ago when i stopped listing my date of birth on social media.
it’s kinda like a filter. i don’t want 78 messages on my facebook wall from people who happened to see the notification on their dashboard. i wanted an honest - “hello, happy birthday to you and i wish you well” from people who really cared and i am more than touched to know that i was remembered! it shows that i must have done something right by these people to deserve a wish from them (or, maybe, they just have really good memories). i was really surprised by the people who were kind enough to remember.
a friend from primary school got in touch with me after years on my birthday yesterday. she’s living in a foreign land and we have so much distance between us now. but she was the one who taught me friendship and patience and how to be a friend. i loved her so much! we read together, started harry potter club… kept a friendship diary that we took turns writing in. i still have my copy. it’s lovely to know that she’s at a new place in life now. we may be the same age but in life, we’re at totally different stages.
so yes, it’s always nice to be remembered.
i’m super blessed to have you in my life.
an italian dinner with the best bread roll ever, getting the gold class experience as i watched katniss everdeen on screen - omg i love love love the hunger games series and i love the book-to-screen adaptation! not a dull moment at all. i love how thoughtful you are and how incredibly patient you are with me. it’s been wonderful to have you around the past two years and without you… i’d be pretty much alone and probably really really unhappy. you keep me in check with reality. you teach me how to be grateful and thankful for what i have.
i’m probably the most immature person ever. i’ve always been the jealous sort. it sucks but i compare myself to my “equals” quite a bit. it drives me crazy. and all i want is to be comfortable in my own skin, striving at my own pace.
i can’t beat myself up over the goals i have not attained. i can’t let this feeling of wanting to give up get the better of me. i can’t even give presentations anymore and that’s saying quite a lot.
so honestly, 23 has been a pretty tough year for me. my goals feel more like just lousy dreams and i haven’t felt further from God than right now. and that’s kinda scary. working on that aspect of my life is a constant struggle. sigh.
Insya Allah it will get better. i believe that i am where i need to be right now… of course i’ve made all these choices… but hey, no regrets :) and if i do regret it… no fear, i’ll just make another choice.